There is life on your own. Dr Marny Lishman’s latest book advocates that being alone is one of the most powerful, healing and growth-inspiring relationships you can have.
By Ara Jansen
What if the most transformative relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself?
Does this feel like a radical question? Perth-based therapist, mindset coach and author Dr Marny Lishman says this is one of life’s great opportunities for learning and growth which she explores it in her latest book Only You – The Unexpected Gift of Being Alone.
For a long time, the narrative around being single or alone is that it’s not a state we should ever aspire to be in and that it’s a horrible, painful space to be in.
Marny doesn’t agree. In a warm and empathetic mix of personal, funny and vulnerable stories, psychology and examples from her own therapy practice, she helps readers embrace being alone – but not confusing it with being lonely.
“When you are a psychologist, you have your finger on the pulse of what other people are going through because you hear the same stories,” says Marny. “A lot of people find being single incredibly difficult. The uncomfortable emotions are things they run from.
“I’m happily single and won’t budge until someone is a bonus to my life. I wanted to write about that. There are other things you can be doing to have a successful life apart from leaning into another relationship.”
Marny collected stories from her clients and friends, some of whom she says “prefer to be attached to an idiot than being unattached”.
There are so many other things you can be doing to feel happy and content rather than spending your time looking for that person, she argues in the book.
Structured as a three-part journey, the book explores why loneliness has become an epidemic and how solitude could save us, guides readers from heartbreak to healing and the final section offers practical strategies for becoming the best version of yourself – whether single for a season or longer.
Marny discusses the unexpected gifts and growth which come from spending time being single. She wants people to stop and think before defaulting to the idea that breaking up with someone means jumping right into a relationship with the next someone.
“Many people have always been with someone and they don’t know who they are without that person. It’s important to find out who you are without your kids, your parents or partner,” she says.
“Then you can take that into your next relationship or back to your current one. Bring a better version of yourself into the next relationship, if there’s a next person, or otherwise enjoying a great life by yourself.
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“Just stop and be. Work through the uncomfortable feelings like sadness or a broken heart. Don’t go straight to another person. Do things by yourself and have gratitude for who you are. Even if you are with someone, just stop and take some time for yourself.”
We’re in the middle of a loneliness epidemic but Marny reminds readers loneliness is a feeling and being alone is a state. Loneliness is feeling disconnected from other people – so arguably you can be lying next to someone and still feel lonely in a relationship.
“Our highly wired society allows for much surface connection but as humans we realise we need a deeper level of connection, that person who gets us. We need more connection – whether it’s a friend or a lover – we have been missing that for a long time.”
The book closes with 101 Lovely Things to Do When You’re Alone, a list of solo activities such as going to a museum, trying adventure sports, starting a side hustle, take up photography or organising a weekend with friends.
“The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is the one that you have with yourself. And yet many of us haven’t stopped to spend enough time in that relationship.”
Only You is available at bookstores and online.
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